Frustration.

I hate to turn this blog into a place where I go with negative thoughts, but at the same time, it's a nice outlet to just get it all off my chest. So bear with me.

As I've mentioned before, part of my frustration with being put on "limited activity" (which means that I'm not on bedrest or anything, but that I'm really just not supposed to be doing any more than I need to do in a day) is that I am a control freak & I can't get stuff done if I'm not supposed to be moving around a bunch. I'm not going to lie, this definitely bothers me.

I have to pause here to give a shout-out to Brian; we may have different ideas of what "needs" to be done around a house on a day to day basis thanks to my OCD ways, but he has really stepped it up in an effort to keep me relaxed. He's taken over pretty much all of the housework and he does it without me having to ask. After Jake goes to bed, he takes over with whatever needs to be done so that I can park myself on the couch....kitchen clean up, packing lunches, picking up stuff around the house, putting in laundry, etc... I'm really grateful for this, though a small part of me inside hates that I can't just do some of it myself. But I digress.

All of the household stuff aside, what has truly been bothering me lately is feeling like I'm missing out, or going to miss out on stuff. I have less than 2 months to go of having just Jake. He is my world and I have twinges of guilt from time to time about turning his world upside down soon with a newborn (even though I know he will adapt & be a fantastic big brother---I still can't help but feel guilty about how his way of life is going to change soon). Add to that guilt that already exists, the fact that sometimes I have to tell him, "Mommy isn't feeling well right now & has to go lay down on the couch, play with daddy for a little bit" because my blood pressure is going crazy. I hate it, I hate feeling like I can't play with my own kid & enjoy the time that's left of just Jake & mommy while I can, because i have this stupid issue to deal with.

Another source of frustration is the uncertainty/randomness of my blood pressure. For instance, on Sunday, I started out the day just fine, but by late morning, it was running around 145/95. For no apparent reason, I had actually spent most of the morning just hanging out since Brian had taken Jake out to run errands with him. It came back down in the afternoon when I was banished to the couch, but after dinner, it was right back up to that range again and all I had done was sat outside (with my feet propped up even!) and helped Jake dye easter eggs. But so far today, it's been fine.

It's a vicious cycle; I feel guilty about the things that I can't do with Jake right now, then the next minute, I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. I have a healthy baby and I'm doing whatever it takes to keep him that way; many people have issues much more serious than mine, so who I am to complain about what's going on with me?

So, I'm trying to adapt. As I mentioned in my other post, we went to the zoo this past Saturday; I was swollen when we got home & probably overdid it (You can insert Brian saying "I told you so" here). In an effort to spend time with Jake and get the rest I needed, I asked if he wanted to watch "Toy Story 2" with me. We don't watch movies all that often, so he thought that it was really special to get to do, and I loved snuggling with him on the couch. So, it was a win-win for us. I might not be able to change what's going on right now, but I can make the most of it & enjoy the time that I can spend with Jake, rather than feeling guilt-ridden about it all.